A few jokes...

Stolen shamelessly from around the web: 

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"If your Skip wants an opinion, He'll give it to you".

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Question: What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set a mat, can't keep score, can’t measure and won't listen? Answer: Make them Skip!

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Question: You have a referee in football, An umpire in cricket. What do you have in Bowls? Answer: Goldfish.

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Lead: “How much am I short?”

Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”

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Played bowls with some friends the other day. Thought I should go first, just to get the ball rolling.

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I took up playing bowls but soon gave it up. Couldn't believe how much bias there was in the game.

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This supposedly happened a few years ago. A well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game. At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. "Where's oor nearest bool?".

"In yer bloody hand!", answered the skip.

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Skip talk:

“Good weight!” = lousy line

“Good line” = lousy weight

“Good back bowl” = you were lucky you didn’t put it in the ditch

“That’s in their way” = that’s in my way

“That could be useful up there” = that bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack

“Get it next time” = you sure didn’t get it this time

“He’s surprisingly good” = you’re surprised he ever makes a shot

“I’d bowl with him any day” = he always buys the first round

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Four bowlers were out on the Green practicing. As one of them was about to bowl, they saw a funeral procession go by.
Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the others said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the bowler answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

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The club's top bowler, a guy who had won every club championship numerous times, was known for carrying a little black book which he regularly consulted during games. Whenever he stood on the mat, with a particularly difficult situation, he would take out this little book and then make a brilliant shot. Eventually he died and there was great interest in this book. Many of the club's members approached the man's widow asking what she was planning to do with this legendary book. As a shrewd woman who was also in need of funds, she decided to auction the book off to the highest bidder. The auction was held at the club and after some very spirited bidding a member, who had often finished second to the now deceased champion, took possession of the much sought after and now quite expensive book. He could scarcely wait to take the book home and peruse its pages at leisure. He sat himself down in his study and began to leaf through the pages - and he found that the pages were blank! He finally came to a single page that had one sentence on it. It said;
"Small circle on the inside."

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A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The editor informs her that there is a charge of £1 per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then says "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died' ".
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read: 'Fred Brown died: bowls equipment for sale.'"

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Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.
After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer.
He said, "I have good news and bad news".
Pat said, "Tell me the good news first".
The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven".
"What's the bad news ?", said Pat.
The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday".

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On their honeymoon a husband confesses a secret to his new wife. "Darling, I'm a bowls fanatic,"
he says. "You'll never see me at the weekends and all our holidays will be at bowls tournaments."
"I've got a confession too," replies his new wife. "I'm a hooker." "That's ok," replies the husband.
"Just concentrate on your aiming point and take a bit more green."

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SKIP TO THIRD: " Good bowl,... you just need a bit more grass and a bit more weight."

THIRD TO SKIP: "Which is the danger bowl?"
SKIP: "The one you're holding"

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Historical evidence has been found indicating that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, the league records were not amongst the find. Historical experts now believe that we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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If our small town didn’t have bowling, there’d be no culture at all.

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you take her bowling with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my bowls?
HUSBAND: "No, she plays with a size 2."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."

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I rang up my local bowling club, I said "Is that the local bowling club?" 
He said "It depends where you're calling from."

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A little old man boards a bus with a bowl in each of his front trouser pockets. A beautiful lady, sitting close by, stares for so long that the man finally says, "Bowling balls". The lady seems shocked and continues to stare. Moments later, she says, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had played a lot of Lawn Bowls and Bridge, but recently their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said "Now, don't get mad at me ... I know we have been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I have racked my brains, but it just won't come. Please tell me what your name is!"

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"

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Three retirees, each with some hearing loss, were playing lawn bowls one fine March day in the Algarve.

One remarked to the other: "Windy, isn't it?"

The second replied: "No, it's Thursday."

And the third chimed in with: "So am I ... let's get a beer!"

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Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship bowls rink, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'If it wasn't for you and your bloody Bran Flakes, we could have been here ten years ago!”

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The lads had arranged to have a practice session before the big match. Sunday morning was chosen and they all arrived on time except Harry. When he finally arrived, the others all asked; "what kept you ?" "Well, it was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Harry replied. "That shouldn't have taken long ", said the skip. "Well it did, I had to toss 13 times"

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Two old bowlers were having a drink and a chat at the bar after their game.
"You certainly played well today. How does it really feel to be 84 years old?"
"Just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I've just wet myself".

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If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following:-.
(1) Blame your Bowls
(2) Blame someone else
(3) Seek coaching.

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QUESTION: How do you spell skip?
ANSWER:.....G....O....D